Giving Up

After the heartbreak of losing Liam for no reason, I was just ready to give up on healthy and happy relationships. So I did, I quit trying and began to talk to every guy who would talk to me. It didn’t matter to me if they were attractive, nice, caring or not because I wasn’t planning on pursuing anything with any of them. After a few months of that, I decided that maybe I was ready for something real again.

I talked to a few guys who I thought could have some real potential, but none made quite the impression on me like Damen did. At some point I had requested to follow him on Instagram, but I can’t seem to remember when. He followed me back and began to message me and then Snapchat me. We talked on and off for a few weeks and then our schools’ football teams played against each other one Friday night and I got to meet him for the first time. We didn’t talk much or get to hang out much and I was upset and thought that maybe he wasn’t into me like I thought he was. That night though he apologized for not spending more time with me and invited me to a party at his house the next night.

I’m not usually one for going to random peoples houses but I really liked him so I begged my reluctant parents and I drug my best friend there with me. When we got there he shook my Father’s hand and thanked my parents for allowing me to come. I was impressed because for a sixteen-year-old boy to have that sort of attitude and respect was surprising. It was pretty attractive though and I was excited to get to know him better. Things started moving pretty fast though and by the end of that night, we had kissed a number of times, cuddled and talked about what the future could hold. When I left that night I was so happy and I was hoping I had found a lasting relationship for once.

It lasted for a month, but things were shakey a while before that. He was very sensitive and we were always fighting and our relationship had moved WAY too fast.

When we broke up I had started talking to and became friends with a guy named Hunter. He listened to all my ranting and offered to call me that night to cheer me up. The next two weeks I spent snapping him and calling him for hours every night. We grew really close, really fast.

Damen had gotten a job at Dunkin and one night my Mom wanted to go see him because she missed him and she really liked him, but she didn’t want anything so I told her to just get me a coffee. When she came back she gave me my coffee and on the cup it said, “I am sorry. I miss you.” An hour or so later he called me to ask if I had gotten his note, but I was very upset and I missed him and I was really rude.

Not long after the whole coffee incident, he told me he wanted me back and I was stuck with a choice to make: Hunter or Damen?

My decision was made for me one night when I went out to dinner with my family and he showed up with flowers and an apology. I couldn’t say no to that and I wasn’t sure I wanted to. I liked the idea of familiarity and the security I had once felt with him.

Hunter was very upset and pissed at me for doing something I promised I wouldn’t do to him. He refused to talk to me and eventually we stopped talking altogether.

I chose the wrong guy… Yesterday Damen left me once again with minimal reasoning. He hurt me again and this time I have no amazing guy to fall back on. Hunter has moved on and I hope he has found someone who will make him incredibly happy and won’t hurt him. He deserves that.

As for me, I have been making Kasey put up with me and my problems. He’s been there and now I’m starting to worry that I will fall in love with him once again… or maybe I never really stopped…

– Yours Truly

Innocence

Last night I had a party and all my girlfriends came over and we hung out. We played Cards Against Humanity and watched The Longest Ride (my fav movie of all time).

A few decided to crash at my house and we were probably up until 4 in the morning. Like most girls do we started talking and telling stories about guys or whatever was on our mind. It was at this point that I realized my friends weren’t as innocent as I thought they were.

It had been a while since we had all hung out without guys around so the talks got real. I heard what they were saying but couldn’t believe that it was coming out of their mouths. I don’t judge them and I except it, but I definitely look at them differently know.

It’s weird to see how much more crazy and out there they are when you take them out of a public setting. I do feel even more comfortable around them even though I didn’t think that was possible. It’s nice to actually feel more understood and tell others about your thoughts and get feedback.

It was definitely a really fun night and just crazy.

– Yours Truly

 

Being Understood

It’s hard to feel understood as a teenager or even an adult really… I guess things never change. I live in a small town on a dairy farm… It’s a small town, but not too much of it is actually rural.

I’ve always wanted a best friend who lives the way I do and understands me and can contribute to a conversation that starts with “We had a cow freshen yesterday and she ended up with milk fever.” (Terrible IK). All I get are blank stares from my friends and I mean it’s not really their fault they weren’t raised like me.

I have one friend who can somewhat follow along with the jargon, but then when she gets lost she just pretends to know what I’m talking about. She has a barn on her property that only has animals in it when they raise them to show them at the fair, it’s surrounded by fields someone else farms and she calls their lawnmower a tractor… Now I understand that country isn’t where you live and what you where because I dress up to go to school and when I’m with friends, but something about her trying to call herself country and a farmer just ticks me off. I guess it’s really because she will never understand the blood, sweat, and tears that’s put into the back breaking work of a farming family to just get by. But, she is the closest thing that I’ve got to what I’ve always wanted. Again I’ll say that it sucks the only people I can talk to about this is my family. I kinda can’t wait to leave here and find my kinda people.

This whole post would probably make you shake your head if you knew the kinda social status I have at school. You’d think someone like me would be an outsider, but I’m not. I hang out with who you’d call the “popular girls” in school and I know others would die for that kinda standing, and I love all my friends I really do… I just wish they could relate more to me.

Anyone else out there like me? It’s funny that beginning this post I really didn’t know where I was going with it but I guess I figured it out. Sorry to bore you all with my thoughts but it’s nice to put them out there finally and just be able to write.

– Yours Truly