Me Now

Well since it has been a while once again. Turns out I’m really bad at this blogging thing, but I know that when I need to rant it will always be here. It’s a pretty good outlet for my problems.

As it has been a good year and a half since I typed here last I should probably update everyone on what my life is like at the moment. Subject to change at any time.

It’s summertime here in northeastern Pa. I just graduated from High School a few months ago and this Fall I am headed to Delaware Valley University to study Animal Science/ Pre-Professional. Heading towards that Veterinarian track I’ve always hoped to pursue.

My love life consists of one man, which if you know me is quite impressive. Not that there hasn’t been a lot of guys between the last time I posted to know, but catching everyone up would take a while. Maybe I’ll do it someday. Just not right now. My current boyfriend of almost 11 months now, Tucker, who I believe I could love for the rest of my life is still my new infatuation. As this is my longest standing relationship I can say that I truly am in love with this boy and that there’s nothing that I wouldn’t do for him. Although, we fight a lot more than we probably should and we say things we don’t mean, he’s my whole world. I don’t know what I would do without his love, support, and smile.

I met Tucker at my now ex-boyfriends Prom where he was attending with his ex as well. We said hi to each other, as our exes knew each other and were introducing us. Other than that we had no contact until about the end of August when he added me on Snapchat and started flirting. At this time I was single for almost a couple months now, but he was still with the girl he had gone to that Prom with back in May. He came to me about the problems they were having and we got to be pretty good friends. Eventually he asked me out to dinner and well the rest is history (and a story for another time).

Thats a quick rap up on what has been going on in my life and I appreciate if anyone read through it all. :p

-Yours Truly

Giving Up

After the heartbreak of losing Liam for no reason, I was just ready to give up on healthy and happy relationships. So I did, I quit trying and began to talk to every guy who would talk to me. It didn’t matter to me if they were attractive, nice, caring or not because I wasn’t planning on pursuing anything with any of them. After a few months of that, I decided that maybe I was ready for something real again.

I talked to a few guys who I thought could have some real potential, but none made quite the impression on me like Damen did. At some point I had requested to follow him on Instagram, but I can’t seem to remember when. He followed me back and began to message me and then Snapchat me. We talked on and off for a few weeks and then our schools’ football teams played against each other one Friday night and I got to meet him for the first time. We didn’t talk much or get to hang out much and I was upset and thought that maybe he wasn’t into me like I thought he was. That night though he apologized for not spending more time with me and invited me to a party at his house the next night.

I’m not usually one for going to random peoples houses but I really liked him so I begged my reluctant parents and I drug my best friend there with me. When we got there he shook my Father’s hand and thanked my parents for allowing me to come. I was impressed because for a sixteen-year-old boy to have that sort of attitude and respect was surprising. It was pretty attractive though and I was excited to get to know him better. Things started moving pretty fast though and by the end of that night, we had kissed a number of times, cuddled and talked about what the future could hold. When I left that night I was so happy and I was hoping I had found a lasting relationship for once.

It lasted for a month, but things were shakey a while before that. He was very sensitive and we were always fighting and our relationship had moved WAY too fast.

When we broke up I had started talking to and became friends with a guy named Hunter. He listened to all my ranting and offered to call me that night to cheer me up. The next two weeks I spent snapping him and calling him for hours every night. We grew really close, really fast.

Damen had gotten a job at Dunkin and one night my Mom wanted to go see him because she missed him and she really liked him, but she didn’t want anything so I told her to just get me a coffee. When she came back she gave me my coffee and on the cup it said, “I am sorry. I miss you.” An hour or so later he called me to ask if I had gotten his note, but I was very upset and I missed him and I was really rude.

Not long after the whole coffee incident, he told me he wanted me back and I was stuck with a choice to make: Hunter or Damen?

My decision was made for me one night when I went out to dinner with my family and he showed up with flowers and an apology. I couldn’t say no to that and I wasn’t sure I wanted to. I liked the idea of familiarity and the security I had once felt with him.

Hunter was very upset and pissed at me for doing something I promised I wouldn’t do to him. He refused to talk to me and eventually we stopped talking altogether.

I chose the wrong guy… Yesterday Damen left me once again with minimal reasoning. He hurt me again and this time I have no amazing guy to fall back on. Hunter has moved on and I hope he has found someone who will make him incredibly happy and won’t hurt him. He deserves that.

As for me, I have been making Kasey put up with me and my problems. He’s been there and now I’m starting to worry that I will fall in love with him once again… or maybe I never really stopped…

– Yours Truly

Cheating

For me cheating is was the worst thing someone could do. I never understood what could possess someone to do such a thing. If you’ve read my previous blogs you know that I have a boyfriend who is away for basic training the whole summer. Before he left I always joked that I’d have to find a replacement for him over the summer. He told me that if I did he would never talk to me again.

I never actually thought I’d be in this type of situation. So, some random guy from a nearby town added me on Snapchat and asked me if I wanted to start a streak. I’ll do anything for my streaks so I said sure. The next morning I sent out a selfie as a streak photo and he asked how old I was and told me that I was cute. Just like that we started to talk and get to know each other.

I’ve had plenty of people try to talk to me, but they were either too old, lived in a different state, or were just not attractive. He’s my age, lives in a neighboring town, and isn’t hard on the eyes.

Last night I told him that I had a boyfriend and after talking to a friend I was pretty sure I was going to tell Liam that we should take a break. I love him and I don’t want to hurt him, but I’m afraid at this rate I’m going to cheat on him. Ugh, but I also don’t want to lose him. I know that if Liam was here I wouldn’t be in this situation.

I just wanted to be friends but now we’re hanging out on Sunday and he keeps telling me that he wants to ask me out, hold my hand, and kiss me.

I honestly don’t know what I want anymore. It’s all so confusing for me and I just don’t know. I feel like breaking down and crying even though this whole thing is my fault.

Why did I get myself into this???

– Yours Truly

 

Innocence

Last night I had a party and all my girlfriends came over and we hung out. We played Cards Against Humanity and watched The Longest Ride (my fav movie of all time).

A few decided to crash at my house and we were probably up until 4 in the morning. Like most girls do we started talking and telling stories about guys or whatever was on our mind. It was at this point that I realized my friends weren’t as innocent as I thought they were.

It had been a while since we had all hung out without guys around so the talks got real. I heard what they were saying but couldn’t believe that it was coming out of their mouths. I don’t judge them and I except it, but I definitely look at them differently know.

It’s weird to see how much more crazy and out there they are when you take them out of a public setting. I do feel even more comfortable around them even though I didn’t think that was possible. It’s nice to actually feel more understood and tell others about your thoughts and get feedback.

It was definitely a really fun night and just crazy.

– Yours Truly

 

This Guy…

So there’s this guy. No, I’m not talking about my boyfriend. Just hold on and keep reading before you start freaking out. I’m not a cheater… I’m really not… well not yet.

I think that’s the worst sentence I could have ever wrote. I don’t even have feelings for the guy I started talking about so the whole “Cheating” topic will be saved for another blog.

So anyway there’s this guy. My Mom used to babysit him and his older brother when they were babies. I guess you could say they’re family friends to a certain extent. I knew him from 4-H, our families, and the cabin we go to sometimes.

He messaged me back in early March on Messenger, because we were Facebook friends. It was kinda out of the blue and it was just small talk. I didn’t think anything of it really, because he had a girlfriend and we we’re always just nice to each other. He asked for my snap chat because he wanted more people to snap so I gave it to him and again thought nothing of it.

Not long after snapping back and forth I kinda picked up a flirty tone and just tried to tell myself that he was being friendly. That lasted for less than an hour until he told me that I was beautiful and that he’s always had a thing for redheads…. HOLD UP… He has a girlfriend of like 2 or 3 years that I also know. I didn’t want to get into this and it kinda grossed me out. He’s not that good looking and not to mention he’s like FOUR YEARS OLDER THAN ME!

I quickly reminded him that he had a girlfriend and that he was being weird. He really didn’t care that he was in a relationship and he continues to still talk to me like he is single. He has talked about one day dating me and not to mention his girlfriend LIVES WITH HIM. Maybe I’m overreacting I mean it’s all talk right?

Well a couple months ago he tried to talk me into sneaking out at like midnight to go fishing with him… First of all I’m not a bad kid I don’t sneak out, so I told him that I didn’t feel like getting into trouble and that it was cold and I was tired, but he wouldn’t give up. So eventually I just told him I had a boyfriend even though I didn’t at the time.

Let’s just say he backed off for like a week and he is already talking to me again. I can’t make it all seem like his fault because I still reply and talk to him, but I try and stay far away from flirting with him. I know he will be at the Fair I’m showing at with his girlfriend and he always talks about hanging out and I’m kinda worried about what he’ll try.

I know that if I wanted him to stop talking to me I could easily end it… I like the attention though and I don’t want it to be awkward between our families. I know I have a problem… Well I think this is where I stop typing. Sorry for the length.

– Yours Truly

 

 

Being Understood

It’s hard to feel understood as a teenager or even an adult really… I guess things never change. I live in a small town on a dairy farm… It’s a small town, but not too much of it is actually rural.

I’ve always wanted a best friend who lives the way I do and understands me and can contribute to a conversation that starts with “We had a cow freshen yesterday and she ended up with milk fever.” (Terrible IK). All I get are blank stares from my friends and I mean it’s not really their fault they weren’t raised like me.

I have one friend who can somewhat follow along with the jargon, but then when she gets lost she just pretends to know what I’m talking about. She has a barn on her property that only has animals in it when they raise them to show them at the fair, it’s surrounded by fields someone else farms and she calls their lawnmower a tractor… Now I understand that country isn’t where you live and what you where because I dress up to go to school and when I’m with friends, but something about her trying to call herself country and a farmer just ticks me off. I guess it’s really because she will never understand the blood, sweat, and tears that’s put into the back breaking work of a farming family to just get by. But, she is the closest thing that I’ve got to what I’ve always wanted. Again I’ll say that it sucks the only people I can talk to about this is my family. I kinda can’t wait to leave here and find my kinda people.

This whole post would probably make you shake your head if you knew the kinda social status I have at school. You’d think someone like me would be an outsider, but I’m not. I hang out with who you’d call the “popular girls” in school and I know others would die for that kinda standing, and I love all my friends I really do… I just wish they could relate more to me.

Anyone else out there like me? It’s funny that beginning this post I really didn’t know where I was going with it but I guess I figured it out. Sorry to bore you all with my thoughts but it’s nice to put them out there finally and just be able to write.

– Yours Truly