I Thought This Only Happened In Movies

I thought someone was actually dying yesterday. Between my Mother acting stressed out and my Step Dad’s sudden show of affection, which never happens, I was truly concerned. I had asked what was going on, but things were being kept under wraps.

Late last night my parents called my brother and me downstairs to talk. My Mom told me that I might want to sit down and she started to explain the situation. One of my Step Father’s old exes had contacted him and informed him that he had a son…

My Step Dad, who had raised my brother and I like we were his own since I was two, had a biological son? I almost started laughing that’s how messed up everything seemed. I couldn’t wrap my head around it so I sat there listening.

He’s now 20 and he had lived in the same town as us and he went to the same school that we do…

At age 20 what could they possibly want or be looking for at this point? I don’t quite understand… why now?

He’s going to get bloodwork and tests done to make sure it’s all true, but it seems like a plot from a movie. The four of us are the only ones who know anything about it. What is this going to change if it’s true? Probably a lot…

-Yours Truly

Giving Up

After the heartbreak of losing Liam for no reason, I was just ready to give up on healthy and happy relationships. So I did, I quit trying and began to talk to every guy who would talk to me. It didn’t matter to me if they were attractive, nice, caring or not because I wasn’t planning on pursuing anything with any of them. After a few months of that, I decided that maybe I was ready for something real again.

I talked to a few guys who I thought could have some real potential, but none made quite the impression on me like Damen did. At some point I had requested to follow him on Instagram, but I can’t seem to remember when. He followed me back and began to message me and then Snapchat me. We talked on and off for a few weeks and then our schools’ football teams played against each other one Friday night and I got to meet him for the first time. We didn’t talk much or get to hang out much and I was upset and thought that maybe he wasn’t into me like I thought he was. That night though he apologized for not spending more time with me and invited me to a party at his house the next night.

I’m not usually one for going to random peoples houses but I really liked him so I begged my reluctant parents and I drug my best friend there with me. When we got there he shook my Father’s hand and thanked my parents for allowing me to come. I was impressed because for a sixteen-year-old boy to have that sort of attitude and respect was surprising. It was pretty attractive though and I was excited to get to know him better. Things started moving pretty fast though and by the end of that night, we had kissed a number of times, cuddled and talked about what the future could hold. When I left that night I was so happy and I was hoping I had found a lasting relationship for once.

It lasted for a month, but things were shakey a while before that. He was very sensitive and we were always fighting and our relationship had moved WAY too fast.

When we broke up I had started talking to and became friends with a guy named Hunter. He listened to all my ranting and offered to call me that night to cheer me up. The next two weeks I spent snapping him and calling him for hours every night. We grew really close, really fast.

Damen had gotten a job at Dunkin and one night my Mom wanted to go see him because she missed him and she really liked him, but she didn’t want anything so I told her to just get me a coffee. When she came back she gave me my coffee and on the cup it said, “I am sorry. I miss you.” An hour or so later he called me to ask if I had gotten his note, but I was very upset and I missed him and I was really rude.

Not long after the whole coffee incident, he told me he wanted me back and I was stuck with a choice to make: Hunter or Damen?

My decision was made for me one night when I went out to dinner with my family and he showed up with flowers and an apology. I couldn’t say no to that and I wasn’t sure I wanted to. I liked the idea of familiarity and the security I had once felt with him.

Hunter was very upset and pissed at me for doing something I promised I wouldn’t do to him. He refused to talk to me and eventually we stopped talking altogether.

I chose the wrong guy… Yesterday Damen left me once again with minimal reasoning. He hurt me again and this time I have no amazing guy to fall back on. Hunter has moved on and I hope he has found someone who will make him incredibly happy and won’t hurt him. He deserves that.

As for me, I have been making Kasey put up with me and my problems. He’s been there and now I’m starting to worry that I will fall in love with him once again… or maybe I never really stopped…

– Yours Truly

Where to Start…

So much has happened since the end of June. Including my very interesting “love” life. The last you guys knew I was dating Liam who was away at basic.

Well, Fair started the 14th of July where I basically live in my camper for ten days and show my animals. The Fair Grounds aren’t too far from my house, so the rest of my family usually goes home at night while I stay there. The 2016 Fair I met a fellow 4her and hog shower, Kasey, and he ended up becoming my first boyfriend. He and his family also camped at the fairgrounds that week and we hung out constantly. At nights we would wait until my family left and he would sneak over to my camper and we would talk and cuddle until 4 am each morning. The whole situation became like my own fairytale and I fell for him until September rolled around and he broke my heart. Although he hurt me and messed me up for a long time we still stayed friends.

So flash forward until 2017 Fair where we both showed and lived for ten days. At this point, we were friends, but not too close and he had been dating a girl for six months now and I was with Liam. Probably the second or third day of Fair week we started texting and hanging out non stop. He was aware I had a boyfriend and I knew about Ashley his girlfriend. Roughly the fourth day of Fair and Ashley and his six month anniversary he broke things off with her. I was sitting there with one of my friends and she was helping him, but I stayed quiet because he knew I wasn’t a fan of Ashley.

After spending more and more time together we became inseparable. At nights a group of us 4h kids would take a projector and a sheet and show a movie every night for the last three or four nights for whoever wanted to come watch. Kids I had never even talked to would pass out right in front of my camper. Kasey would always come over and watch them and sit right next to me. As the days and endless nights would go on we became very flirty with one another. We’d tease each other and steal one another’s things and it’d always end with us cuddling and watching the movies we played.I knew it was wrong and I shouldn’t be doing that to Liam. but it didn’t stop me.

I had never really gotten over Kasey and we had started spending so much time together it was like he had never hurt me. The last two nights of Fair the cuddling turned into kissing and then sneaking off and making out. After Kasey and I talked we both agreed that staying friends would be better and that we had tried dating once and it didn’t work out. We have now coined the term “Fair Fling” and to this day we’re still friends and plan to fling this summer as well. Yes I know it’s a little weird, but we both have very poor luck when it comes to relationships.

I never once regretted the whole situation because when Liam came home he refused to talk to me and we broke up because he no longer wanted a girlfriend. He still has no clue what happened between Kasey and I and probably will never know, because in October he was arrested and he hasn’t been back since.

So that’s as far as we’re going tonight and that’s not even close to caught up yet… Ask questions if need be I’m not afraid to explain some things.

Innocence

Last night I had a party and all my girlfriends came over and we hung out. We played Cards Against Humanity and watched The Longest Ride (my fav movie of all time).

A few decided to crash at my house and we were probably up until 4 in the morning. Like most girls do we started talking and telling stories about guys or whatever was on our mind. It was at this point that I realized my friends weren’t as innocent as I thought they were.

It had been a while since we had all hung out without guys around so the talks got real. I heard what they were saying but couldn’t believe that it was coming out of their mouths. I don’t judge them and I except it, but I definitely look at them differently know.

It’s weird to see how much more crazy and out there they are when you take them out of a public setting. I do feel even more comfortable around them even though I didn’t think that was possible. It’s nice to actually feel more understood and tell others about your thoughts and get feedback.

It was definitely a really fun night and just crazy.

– Yours Truly

 

This Guy…

So there’s this guy. No, I’m not talking about my boyfriend. Just hold on and keep reading before you start freaking out. I’m not a cheater… I’m really not… well not yet.

I think that’s the worst sentence I could have ever wrote. I don’t even have feelings for the guy I started talking about so the whole “Cheating” topic will be saved for another blog.

So anyway there’s this guy. My Mom used to babysit him and his older brother when they were babies. I guess you could say they’re family friends to a certain extent. I knew him from 4-H, our families, and the cabin we go to sometimes.

He messaged me back in early March on Messenger, because we were Facebook friends. It was kinda out of the blue and it was just small talk. I didn’t think anything of it really, because he had a girlfriend and we we’re always just nice to each other. He asked for my snap chat because he wanted more people to snap so I gave it to him and again thought nothing of it.

Not long after snapping back and forth I kinda picked up a flirty tone and just tried to tell myself that he was being friendly. That lasted for less than an hour until he told me that I was beautiful and that he’s always had a thing for redheads…. HOLD UP… He has a girlfriend of like 2 or 3 years that I also know. I didn’t want to get into this and it kinda grossed me out. He’s not that good looking and not to mention he’s like FOUR YEARS OLDER THAN ME!

I quickly reminded him that he had a girlfriend and that he was being weird. He really didn’t care that he was in a relationship and he continues to still talk to me like he is single. He has talked about one day dating me and not to mention his girlfriend LIVES WITH HIM. Maybe I’m overreacting I mean it’s all talk right?

Well a couple months ago he tried to talk me into sneaking out at like midnight to go fishing with him… First of all I’m not a bad kid I don’t sneak out, so I told him that I didn’t feel like getting into trouble and that it was cold and I was tired, but he wouldn’t give up. So eventually I just told him I had a boyfriend even though I didn’t at the time.

Let’s just say he backed off for like a week and he is already talking to me again. I can’t make it all seem like his fault because I still reply and talk to him, but I try and stay far away from flirting with him. I know he will be at the Fair I’m showing at with his girlfriend and he always talks about hanging out and I’m kinda worried about what he’ll try.

I know that if I wanted him to stop talking to me I could easily end it… I like the attention though and I don’t want it to be awkward between our families. I know I have a problem… Well I think this is where I stop typing. Sorry for the length.

– Yours Truly

 

 

Being Understood

It’s hard to feel understood as a teenager or even an adult really… I guess things never change. I live in a small town on a dairy farm… It’s a small town, but not too much of it is actually rural.

I’ve always wanted a best friend who lives the way I do and understands me and can contribute to a conversation that starts with “We had a cow freshen yesterday and she ended up with milk fever.” (Terrible IK). All I get are blank stares from my friends and I mean it’s not really their fault they weren’t raised like me.

I have one friend who can somewhat follow along with the jargon, but then when she gets lost she just pretends to know what I’m talking about. She has a barn on her property that only has animals in it when they raise them to show them at the fair, it’s surrounded by fields someone else farms and she calls their lawnmower a tractor… Now I understand that country isn’t where you live and what you where because I dress up to go to school and when I’m with friends, but something about her trying to call herself country and a farmer just ticks me off. I guess it’s really because she will never understand the blood, sweat, and tears that’s put into the back breaking work of a farming family to just get by. But, she is the closest thing that I’ve got to what I’ve always wanted. Again I’ll say that it sucks the only people I can talk to about this is my family. I kinda can’t wait to leave here and find my kinda people.

This whole post would probably make you shake your head if you knew the kinda social status I have at school. You’d think someone like me would be an outsider, but I’m not. I hang out with who you’d call the “popular girls” in school and I know others would die for that kinda standing, and I love all my friends I really do… I just wish they could relate more to me.

Anyone else out there like me? It’s funny that beginning this post I really didn’t know where I was going with it but I guess I figured it out. Sorry to bore you all with my thoughts but it’s nice to put them out there finally and just be able to write.

– Yours Truly